Washington, DC – “Those Dicks are gonna have to pay!” promises basketbal
god Michael Jordan. Jordan claims that this year’s slogan and logo
are blatant rip-offs of Nike’s swoosh and “Just do it.”
“As the slogan invites, Mike, Just bite me,” says Cornstock dickhead
Drewk Dick, from the Dickfarm. “The words are different, the swoosh kind
of looks like a corn husk, and the silhouette is (long-time Cornstock icon)
Kernel Cornelius Demaizeneuve. Give me a break.”
Jordan continues that with the sale of Cornstock merchandise brandishing
the logo, and the worldwide exposure of the newsletter and website, that
he personally stands to lose millions of dollars.
“Right,” says Drewk, rolling his eyes, “and Mike can play professional
baseball. If anything, Jordan and Nike stand to gain from being associated
with Cornstock. Cornstock represents all that Jordan has stood for
the past 15 years – grace, athleticism, class. And we add beer-drinking
and corn!”
Jordan plans on filing his lawsuit on September 1. He says he
expects millions in settlement.
Says Drewk, “Well, if he doesn’t mind receiving yearly installments
of a case of beer and some corn, to be picked up at Jim Morrison Drive on
Labour Day Weekend, I think we can accommodate him. Can he play golf,
volleyball, skeetshooting, cobgobbling or horsehoes? No? Athlete, my ass.”
